Two...and then the honest truth

My sweet Ethan is two.  Two.

Finding the words to describe my feelings for my baby has never been my strength.  How can I explain or even put into words how incredible it is to be his mother?  How can I explain how deep my love is for him?  How thankful I am for him every single day?  He sure isn't perfect, but neither are we.  He is SO perfect for us.

At two, Ethan can do so much.  He has such a huge vocabulary and speaks in clear sentences.  He loves music and to sing and dance.  He loves the water and running through the grass.  Seeing the beauty and wonder of the world through his eyes has been a wonderful experience for me.

But oh my goodness, this child is teaching me this summer.  Teaching me what it means to have patience.  That it is time for the REAL parenting to begin.

I'm going to be really honest here...Ethan has been challenging this summer.  I swear, he woke up on his 2nd birthday and somehow, he knew, he was now supposed to be in the "terrible twos".  I was ready for it, but man, it happened FAST.  One day, my sweet, cuddly bubba, and the next day...well...

I've broken down his behaviors into 3 categories:
1.  "It's MINE"- I hear this phrase like 10,000 times a day.  It is hard to be around other kids, because I know he will get possessive over every single item he comes across.  I know it is totally normal, but it still embarrasses me.  I've tried to explain taking turns, but a meltdown still occurs every. single. time.
2.  Boo-boos- We have hit a pretty fragile stage.  When learning to walk, the kid took a ton of spills and was able to brush it off.  Now, I swear, he wakes up with boo-boos.  He always needs to me to "kiss all better now" and, of course, I oblige.  I hope to find a place of balance, so we don't have a 10 year old that still needs his parents to kiss his boo-boos. But for now, I'm kissing every single one of them.  I just keep telling myself that there will be a day where he won't ask.  And then I'll cry :(
3.  The random temper tantrum/crying/whining- He doesn't want to wear socks, he doesn't like how the lawn mower sounds, he hates his tshirt, his milk has a red top, I could go on and on and on.  And I know this one isn't going to stop anytime soon.  I've had more wine in the last week than I had in the last 6 months.  Holy cow, the whining causes wining!

I've totally scheduled tons of things for us to do this summer.  We have only had about 2 full weeks together this summer, and we have done so much.  Zoo, concerts, music class, parks, swim lessons, camp, play dates, splash pads.  We get out of the house every single day, which definitely helps, but gives us tons of reasons for tantrums and freakouts.

Yesterday, my mom told me that my expectations for him are just too high.  He is two and this is how two year olds act. I've been thinking a lot about that comment.  Were my expectations for this perfect summer (like we had last year) just too high?  Should I set a low expectation for every day and be happy if it turns around?  I definitely need to find a balance, so I don't find myself becoming frustrated with him (and myself) every day.  And so I don't become an alcoholic ;)

I absolutely adore my child.  He is spirited, smart, observant, outgoing, and caring.  He gives the best hugs and kisses, and I love when he sings with me each night.  He is absolutely the best thing that has happened to me, and I thank God every day for allowing this precious being to be in my care.  I hope to do everything right as his Mommy (but I know that I don't/won't).  I just hope he knows how hard I am trying to give him my everything, because that is exactly what he is to me.

*And of course, today was the best day we have had all summer.  Camp in the morning, a nice lunch and nap, followed by some time at the neighborhood pool.  Minimum tantrums and tons of kisses. :)

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Thankful yet Shaken

Thanksgiving Break was exactly what I needed to refresh, recharge, and reflect on the things that are important in my life.  As I get older, I feel more aware of life and how quickly it can change.  I loved having 5 days to hold those dear to me close and think about how beautiful my life is.  I am blessed to have an incredible husband and baby.  Our families are wonderful and supportive and we couldn't ask for better parents and siblings.  They love us and Ethan with their everything and for that I am thankful. 

Anyone that knows us personally would know that this past year, Mike has made a big commitment to eat right and workout.  He started with a personal trainer, got super strict with his diet, and overall, made healthy choices about his lifestyle.  Right now, he is probably in the best physical shape of his life and although it is easy for me to roll my eyes when people say, "WOW Mike, how much weight have you lost," I am so very proud of him.  I wish I had his determination and will...he really sticks to something when he gets going.

It is amazing how fast life can change.  On Thanksgiving evening (well actually Friday morning since it was after midnight), Mike's personal trainer, was crossing the road and was struck and killed by a drunk driver.  He was only 26 years old.  Mike worked out with him on Wednesday and he was gone on Friday morning.  Pretty unbelievable...and Mike took it pretty hard.  Anyone that has had a trainer understands the incredibly close relationship you have, especially after a year.  A trainer is someone who sees you at your worst and motivates you though it all.  He helped Mike meet his goals and I know Mike really appreciated him not only as a trainer, but as a friend.

My heart just feels so heavy for this kid and his family.  We went to the visitation and it was just unreal.  When you go to a visitation for an older person, you see pictures of their life.  Their marriage and their kids.  Their family vacations and reunions.  You see that person grow older in their pictures.  But when you go to a young person's visitation, you see baby pictures.  You see homecoming and prom pictures.  You see pictures with friends at bars and parties.  You see a life that has not yet been lived.  And THAT was hard to take in.

And I can't help but thinking about the drunk driver.  Another life that is ruined.  He was 26 years old and made one bad decision that will haunt him for the rest of his life.  He will be in jail for a long time.  Did he have a job? a wife?  a kid?  I have no clue what his blood alcohol level was at the time of the accident...was he blacked out or just have one beer too many?  How many of us have made that same mistake of getting behind the wheel after a dinner, happy hour, or party?  It is terrifying and the consequences are forever. 

A long post to say, that this is a story and feeling that I can't quite shake.  I think it really stems back to this...I don't want Ethan to grow up.  I don't want him to be a 26 year old that could be (and will be) crossing the street late at night.  I don't want him to be a 26 year old that gets behind the wheel (or in the backseat) after he's had a few beers.  At the end of the day, we cannot keep our children locked inside.  I remember always hearing that having a child means that you have your heart walking outside of your body.  It is true.  I can't imagine Ethan going off to the college.  But I guess for now, I need to stop worrying about the future and the horrible things that can happen in this world, and instead, continue to hold my baby close and count my many blessings. 

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And today I cried...

First day back to work. I was tired but the day went alright. It was even a bit fun seeing everyone again and getting my classroom ready. But then I got home. Past 6:00. After sitting in tons of traffic. Making dinner, feeding baby, washing diapers, bathing baby. And before I knew it, it was bedtime. 8:00 and I feel like I didn't even see him today. As I read him a few books before bed, I started to cry. His little body curled up on mine, "reading" his book outloud and pointing to the pictures, and my tears just flowed. I stared at his little feet and smelled his newly wash hair and cried. Oh, how he will grow this school year. He will learn new things, and I'll miss them. I really didn't know how hard it would be to go back. But I know that tomorrow will be better. I'm praying that tomorrow will be easier.

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Thoughts as a SSAHM

The major perk of being a teacher is summer vacation.  You work your butt off for 9.5 months and then get to enjoy summer break.  Now, not all teachers take a summer break.  Before Ethan, I would teach summer school and load my schedule with summer workshops and trainings.  But not this summer, my friends.  I decided to spend the entire summer home with my son and let me tell you, it has been incredible.

I can't believe that I am halfway finished with my break.  {tear}  5 weeks down and 5 weeks to go.  I wasn't so sure how I would do as a SSAHM (summer stay at home mom) but I love everything about it.  Ethan is so good and so much fun and we are having a blast together.

Don't get me wrong, I know that staying at home with kids is hard.  But from MY experience with MY son, it is a piece of cake.  Being a stay at home mom is a million times easier than being a working mom (TO ME).  Ethan is on a great schedule which allows me to plan out our day in the morning (depending on when he wakes up).  I get to workout during his morning nap!  I get to prep dinner and shower during his afternoon nap!  It's amazing! 

So many things are possible by being home!  Errands and grocery shopping during the day.  Fun outings at the pool or splash pads.  Play dates.  Cleaning and picking up around the house.  Laundry and sunning Ethan's diapers.  I could go on an on.  ILOVETHISSOMUCH!  Being a working mom is REALLY hard.  Balancing yourself and your job and your home and your child and your schedule and your marriage and your friends.  It's hard.  Ugh...and the driving and the jam packed weekends.  It seems almost hard to breathe at times.

I've been thinking a lot about if being a SAHM is right for me.  I know I'm probably a minority when I say that I didn't really like the newborn stage.  Maternity leave was hard for me...especially the first 4-6 weeks.  No PPD or anything...I was just dying for Mike to get home in the evenings so I could get a break (or a shower).  Not going to lie, I was ready to get back to work when the school year started.  But once Ethan hit 6 months, I wanted to be home with him.  And now, he is at such a great age and I feel like we are able to do so many fun things together.  I am teaching him a lot and I know that he wouldn't learn these things at our in-home babysitter (who is wonderful, BTW). 

BUT...I am not ready to give up my career.  I love where I work.  I love my adult relationships at work.  I love being able to financially contribute to my family and be able to live the life that we live without having to budget for anything/everything.  I love knowing that I'm putting my education (bachelor's and master's degrees) to work.  I love knowing that I'm doing a job that helps our society and makes a difference in others lives. But I love being with my child all day. 

I think the perfect balance would be to stay home for a couple/few years after we have 2 or 3 kids.  (I know that the ease of staying home with just Ethan won't be so when there are more children involved.)  Then I could go back to work when all of the kids are in school.  (Working part-time isn't an option as a teacher in my district or something I would be interested in doing.)  I can't really imagine being at home in an empty house all day when I can be working with kids and earning money for our family.  Only time will tell what will be right for us and our family.

But until then, I'm loving this summer and my time with my Ethan. 

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